Confronting, conflict and cop-outs

There is a beguiling whisper in Christendom, that for the sake of the Kingdom, one should move on from pain without gaining an adequate response to what you believe to be the cause of it. 

Beguiling, because it carries echoes of Godly values: words and phrases such as forgiveness, reconciliation, unity and respecting those put in authority over us.

Yet too often the motive isn't ultimately about love, it's about fear. Fear that the result will be conflict which might end in division, that it will be a bad witness, that outsiders might see through the veneer of relationship that sometimes masquerades as Christian love. 

But the scripture says: "Come, let us reason together, though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be white as snow"

It says that the first step, is to reason together, to get to a place, under the Holy Spirit, where we are convinced of our sin and the depth of its consequences. To acknowledge the scarlet. Only then can we repent and seek the extraordinary grace to change. Only then can we understand the unfathomable cost, the unsearchable depth of love, that transforms from scarlet to white.

It is the most wonderful moment when true friends bring light and correction into your life, even though it may be painful at the outset. Tragically though, when it comes to relationships in the church, the advice, too often, is not to reason together, but rather, to avoid at all costs. Instead of scarlet being turned into miraculous white, as sin and error are uncovered and acknowledged, we are advised to gloss over it using Christian sounding brushes called "forgive and move on", coated with a whitewash of "maintain unity".  

But Jesus warned against those who cry "peace, peace where there is no peace", unity comes, not when difference is hidden, but from authentic relationships where there is dispute, discord, conflict - and life. When we speak the truth in love it "covers a multitude of sin", but fear imposes a silence in which sin flourishes in the shadows. By not calling out the wrong, we leave no opportunity for the need to change to be recognised, no room for improvement. And those who are vulnerable continue to be at the mercy of those who have not changed.

Not only that, it is advice that makes someone, who is already hurt or aggrieved, feel as if pursuing what is reasonable, is somehow ungodly. This adds injustice to whatever was there before - the person they feel is the cause of their pain escapes scrutiny, whilst they, the aggrieved party are now considered ungodly for seeking an honest discussion about the issue. 

Here are my thoughts:

Don't gossip. Don't, I beg of you, avoid confronting, but then whisper your concerns to others. Gossip is cowardly, it means that everyone but the one person who might benefit from the knowledge, knows about it. It means that everyone except the target knows what the "problem" is, without the them having the right to defend or the opportunity to repent and grow. 

Do confront. If you believe that someone has done wrong, come together and reason it out. It might not be easy, the other person might be a bit defensive, they might argue their side more articulately. But trust that they will listen, that they will be sensitive to the Spirit, that they will be quick to acknowledge, to repent, to learn, to grow, to confess freely and publicly where such is appropriate.  If they respond badly, you have done all you can to "live in unity and the bond of peace", if they respond well, you have gained a friendship that will be deeper and a unity that is real.

Lead in humility. As a leader, become known for your lack of defensiveness, for your openess to the word of God in your life, for the kind and humble way in which you receive encouragement and criticism. Then, when someone approaches you with an issue, recognise how much courage it has taken to bring it. Receive it not as a threat to your leadership or your self-worth, but as an act of kindness. If it is brought with malice, such an approach will disarm the enemy and God will defend you. If it is brought in a good spirit, light shines and the enemy is pushed back. 

Reason Together. Then, having received it well, even if you conclude that you did no wrong, don't be dismissive. Take the time to explain why you believe that to be the case, give the other person the opportunity to respond, reason it out together. Don't hide behind your position or words that can have no hope of satisfying: "fault on both sides", "no-one to blame", even if you believe those to be true, lay open your reasoning as to why, bring it into the light so that it can be debated and everyone feel valued. But if you do believe there are things to repent of, be generous and fullsome in your response. Restore where possible, publicly where necessary - without hesitation or concern for your personal reputation.